3 year old humor

The Sproglette has started telling jokes. Mostly they make no sense at all, like this classic.

S: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
S: Door knob.
Me: Door knob who?
S: Door knob on the door is broken!

Then she laughs hysterically for 5 minutes at her great with and she then starts a new one.

This morning, she took off on the chicken butt joke.

S: Mommy, guess what?
Me: What?
S: Chicken butt!
(I have a completely surprise non-fake laugh at this one - I didn't know she had heard the chicken butt joke)
S: Guess what?
Me: What?
S: Kangaroo butt! Guess what?
Me: What?
S: Baboon butt! Did you know they turn red, Mommy?
Me: Yes, they do, don't they?
S: Yeah - but only when it's "making" season.
Me: Making season?
S: Yeah - YOU know - when they want to make baby baboons! Silly Mommy! Guess what?
Me: What?
S: Elephant butt!
Me: Wow - you know a lot of these jokes, don't you!
S: Mommy, I got a million of 'em!

An Inappropriate Obsession

I have 2 children under the age of four. That means I would be a stark raving fool to start knitting lace. With beads no less.

But I keep putting this pattern, with beads and yarn into my shopping cart and almost buying it. Thanks to the Harlot herself. She has the SUPER power of suggestion. I don't know what it is. I almost bought a kit to knit socks with tiny leaves all over them because of hers. I am hoping this feeling is going to die down soon. Because I don't really need to commit suicide or filicide because one of cherubic children has fucked up the lace that I have no business knitting!

There! Now, if you see that I have started knitting lace before, say, August of 2011 when I gauge that the Widget will start kindergarten, then send help.

On another topic my mama weekend away - see my friend the MetroMama's post for today. She has put it so much better than I could. I will let you know how the weekend goes. Or let MM tell you and just link it!

Girl's Vacay

So I am going away next weekend for the first time since becoming a mama. For 3 whole nights. I am just so excited and nervous all at the same time. I know the Sproglette will be just fine - she rolls with the punches. Widget has never had anyone put him to bed at night but me. It is him that makes me nervous.

I just keep telling myself he will be surrounded by people that love him - the mister's parents are coming while I am gone - BONUS!!!! He will be fine.

Meanwhile, I am having a nervous breakdown deciding what to pack.

Not the clothing, mind you, but the knitting!

Obviously my goddaughter's Clapotis will be going. The second sock from my first pair socks will be great for the airplane trip. But what else? Another skein of sock yarn? I could start hats for the children for fall and knock that out.

Anybody got a stunner of an idea for me? I am taking suggestions!

Oh, and the mister is downloading a bunch of This American Life broadcasts to his ipod for me to take for the plane. (My ipod is on permanent disability, I do believe).

There is something incredibly sexy about Ira Glass. Kind of in the same way I think Kevin Spacey is geeky-hot. Let's face it, I am a geek, therefore I like other geeks. I think it goes back to just knowing that cutest boys in junior high were talking about my braces/glasses behind my back as they copied off my biology tests... Strong men are a dime a dozen. Give me a man with a brain and now we are cooking with gas!

Iron Man

Yes, I saw a movie. In a theater. With popcorn and a big diet coke and Mr Cranky Mama. Pick your jaw up off the floor.

Mr. Cranky Mama was a comic book nerd as a child. He seems to be not too, too affected by this. It doesn't consume large blocks of time like, say, football, basketball, baseball and hockey season do. He doesn't have comics stashed away somewhere that he peruses at leisure whether on, or off the john. We just have to see all the comic based movies. That I can deal with.

Especially when they are starring Robert Downey Jr. I have always had the biggest crush on him. I can't help it. I am drawn to self destructive people like they are drawn to alcohol and drugs. I don't want to fix them. I don't want to heal them. Maybe I want to live vicariously through them because they do things I never would do.

My secret obsession with RDJ started with Less Than Zero, even though the movie was such a pale creature in comparison to the book. There really are very few books that I love just as much as movies...

Then there was Chances Are. Here is a link to the trailer
There just isn't much online about this movie. Probably because it was so terrible! Sybil Shepherd, Mary Stewart Masterson, and Bob. Sigh. I tried to explain the premise to my hubby and he got all skeeved out. I loved it even though it was so cheesy it was nachos.

Anyway, back to Iron Man. I enjoyed it. Very entertaining. And Gwyneth was good too. And Jeff Bridges (who is seared in my mind with roles like "the Dude" in The Big Lebowski, and the crazy broken radio host in The Fisher King) is a great villian. Did this movie change my life? Absolutely not. Did I fall asleep while watching? Nope - didn't even nod.

Nice date with the hubby movie. Glad we got away. Even if I am so tired this morning I am the extra super cranky mama.

Come on, dude... Don't mess with Lennon!

Small confession. I am a confirmed American Idol addict. It is embarrassing and I won't admit it to your face so don't even try.

But I am really fucking pissed off that wee David Archeleta, the prince of smarm, blasphemed John Lennon last night (and earlier in the season too). If you don't agree with the lyrics to probably one of the best songs ever written, it is simple don't sing it!

The little hand-wringing "Oh Gosh" LDS kid from Utah couldn't possibly sing "Imagine there's no heaven". Goodness no! Even though it's a song about no war and almost every major war in this world is based on someone's idea of god being wrong.

I draw the line at actually voting for AI, but you couldn't have paid me to vote for that particular crap. I got no problem with christians and their sects but find a song you can believe in, don't screw with Lennon. For god's sake!

Winning the Mother of the Year Over Here

Do you have those days when you feel you just aren't saying the right things? You aren't being an effective mother? You are pretty much fucking your child up for life? When they are 20, on drugs, a high school drop out sitting on the therapist's couch it all leads back to this day and the things you just didn't say right.

Except it isn't just one day. It is many days. I think I have more bad days than good. I am on a ship and at the capricious whim of an almost 4 year old captain. Then the almost 2 year old crazy ass first mate has you by the throat with his insane requests.

Today it was wanting to nurse at the park. I am down with the nursing in public, but at this stage, the child wants only to be able to enjoy my breasts in all their glory. So it is a struggle to try and maintain the teeny tiniest bit of modesty. Widget is pushing my shirt up to my chin so he can pat and hold my entire boob in between his hands as he nurses. We had a tussle over my cell phone, then he plucked one of the double pointed needles from the sock in progress that is in my purse. HE is why the knitting posts are few and far between. Widget is a professional saboteur in training.

The sproglet was all discombobulated when her friend, H, started playing with another child - an older girl. She must have been 8 or 9 and on the brink of puberty in her low-rise jeans with lace up legs and teeny breast buds. She pulled her shirt up to show us a scratch she had received and I really expected to see a naval ring there, or at least a tattoo.

Sproglet didn't want H to play with anyone but her. She was completely heartbroken, sobbing her heart out and whining that H wouldn't play with her because he only wanted to play with HER. H of course tells his mom, my friend R, that he does want to play with Sproglet, but he also wants to play with this other girl, whose name he had failed to obtained. Just like a 5 year old! What am I talking about - just like a MAN!

I said some very ineffective words about how you should be willing to make a new friend and you can't make H play only with you. Much sobbing and whining ensued. R and I looked at each other, because she is trying to get H to be nice to the Sproglet. I was like what the FUCK am I supposed to do in this instance? R and I shared a moment of complete bewilderment together which made me feel a little less like a clueless parent.

Pack it all up and go home. Turn on kiddie tv and wish I had some valium.

When it comes right down to it, days like this make me think I wasn't meant to be a mother. At least not a mother of toddlers/preschoolers. I do much better when they only nurse and sleep and coo. Or when they can make their own breakfast and let me have a little sleep in. But this age is just doing me in. I feel like a failure and a fraud. I really hate this and want to put them on ebay. For cheap.

Then they go to sleep and things are better. Until tomorrow.

I have a mantra: My life is great. I have two beautiful, healthy children and a husband that loves me, even though I am crazy and yell a lot. Let's work on not yelling today. Or at least only yelling if life or limb is in jeopardy. Or at least no yelling before lunch. Maybe I will make it til breakfast. Let bedtime come soon. Let them sleep longer. Let Sproglet not hit/pinch/bite/yank toys away from Widget today. Let me be the mama I want to be. The kind of mama that my kids deserve. Please.

A little knitting

I don't expect to have a lot of knitting to showcase since I am pretty slow. But I will put it out here for you when I get it done!

This is my first sweater ever. Elizabeth Zimmerman's February Baby Sweater on Two Needles from the awesome book The Knitter's Almanac. I got the buttons from a local store and weren't exactly what I was looking for but they work. The yarn is Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran.

The nice thing about Elizabeth Zimmerman is that she really encourages you to do what makes sense to you in your knitting. Her pattern is more of a guide, not stitch by stitch directions. I knit this without any seams. I cast on the extra stitches for the arms with a provisional cast on and then went back and knit the arms in the round.


This was also my first foray into lace. And all in all I am pleased with how it turned out. I know there are a couple of imperfections that because of the time crunch, I did not rip back to fix. I think they mostly worked out in the blocking and are probably only noticeable to me.

I may have a sock for you soon! I am currently doing the toe on my first sock, so wish me luck with the kitchener stitch!