Musings on Mothering part 1

You know those women that seem born to be a mother? My sister in law is one. Four kids. When the twins were born, their older sister was almost 11 months old, and their older brother had just turned three. I know now that I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old that I would not have survived it. Folks, I would have dropped my basket for real. There is no way, no how, that I would have been able to have 4 kids under the age of 4 in my house and made it work without killing myself or my husband. I think I would have probably held it together enough not to kill the kids, but there is a good possibility that I would have hit the road and not looked back.

My sister-in-law was always a baby person. She always was a babysitter. She was the one at weddings or family gatherings that was down on the floor playing with the babies. And I admire her so much for what seems to be second nature to her.

Because it is not natural for me. I have never thought of myself as a "kid person". I mean, I always knew that once they hit the age of reason, or first grade or so, that I would be ok. And I hoped that the fact that children that were my own would be easier than other people's kids. And they are.

But it is a struggle. A daily struggle to be the mother I want to be. To be the mother I want my children to have. And I wonder if the fact that I know it is a struggle makes me work a little harder to say the right thing. To apologize when I know I haven't been the greatest mom. To research the mother shit to death trying to make informed decisions about how to raise my kids to be well adjusted, happy productive members of society that care about their fellow man and aren't a fascist, or a serial killer, or (gulp) a republican.